Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Depressed? Who the hell knows. Who the hell cares.

Some bits of evidence to consider:

1) I cannot work up any grading mojo. Which is to say that I have to kick my ass, on the very last evening before I turn them back, to respond to 20 short pieces from my intro to creative writing class.

2) I cannot work up any reading mojo. That is, I read for my SENIOR RESEARCH SEMINAR ON DONNE on the bus, on the way to school.

3) My tendency to stand in the kitchen and look around, without doing any of the things that really need doing.

4) 5 out of 7 running excursions this week felt like running through molasses.

5) Counting down desperately to the end of the term, already, and to the end of the academic year.

6) Missing the Things, many nights with tears, when they're with their dad.

Possible causes (all that Donne provokes casuistry!):

1) The start of a new school year when I hadn't really recovered from the last one.

2) Husband lives 2000 miles away.

3) Weird mental/ hormonal side-effects of pointless birth-control pill (see #2).

4) Due to rodent impasse (I can't kill them without feeling horrible and they can't live in my food) I must rebuild kitchen and am hemorrhaging money.

5) Fall means that the wolf spiders come inside, and wolf spiders are, honestly, my one true full-blown pathological phobia. I've included below a photo of the one I found last week ON MY BED: about 4 inches toe-to-toe. I managed, after 15 minutes of high-volume screaming and pleading with the universe, to dare to maneuver it into the vacuum hose, sideways and with much bottlenecking, and then spent 15 more minute jumping hysterically around the room wondering how to get it out of the vacuum.

6) Book in continued stall. Hoping to take a leave next fall, but budgets are such that leaves are scarce.

7) The hateful, exhausting sociopolitical climate.

I keep saying to myself that I have a good job in which I get paid to talk about my passions and cultivate similar passions in others, happy kids, a lovely and safe and weather-worthy home, the support of family and friends, a good relationship with my ex, and fresh produce coming out my ears. Why is that mantra not getting me out the door in the morning? Where is my eye of the tiger?

16 comments:

Doctor Cleveland said...

8) Maybe not getting enough sleep? No dream time, no mojo. And no wakefulness.

Lisa B. said...

Damn. You need a big hug. And consider getting one of those spider thingies that you plug into the wall and they emit spider-hating noise (you can't hear it) so that the spiders aren't so plentiful.

Also, have I introduced you to the humane mousetrap? We had Mouse Central. Maybe you're beyond that.

Am thinking of you with much love.

Anonymous said...

That spider alone is a major cause for prolonged depressive moods.

Yuck.

squadratomagico said...

Rodents, spiders -- you have some serious vermin problems. And I agree with you that it's problematic to exterminate them. Perhaps a kitty could help ~ also, a great cure for depression.

Cause #2 seems like a likely culprit...sorry you're feeling everything all at once. Hugs to you, RG!

Dr. Write said...

#5 is made more difficult by #2. If husband lived closer HE could deal with the spiders which, if I'm not mistaken, is how marriage came about. Women were sick of the spiders. And the mice. Also running usually helps with depression, but if not, try taking omega-3. Really. Trust me.

Flavia said...

The change in seasons often does it to met--hasn't hit yet this year, but I tend to feel glum and listless and out of sorts long about mid-October.

But whatever the cause or cure, I hope you feel better soon.

Blue Cheese said...

Dare I say, "burn out"? Running oneself ragged being a superstar can tire one out quickly. Dr. Doctor here prescribes: more rest and more fun. (Dr. Doctor recognizes that this pot is calling you, kettle, black.)

squadratomagico said...

You could always let yourself go mad for a short time. I've decided it's a real tonic.

Ink said...

(((((RG))))) I hope you are feeling much better soon.

And I think Squadrato has a point. Though if that seems too extreme, then definitely sounds like a call-in-for-a-mental-health-day kind of time. Then snuggle down on the couch and *rest*!

the rebel lettriste said...

Um, that fucking spider would make anybody depressed. And terrified.

I prescribe the following:
consider a different BCP
get lots of sleep
go mad
eat a meal you really like

but mainly, allow yourself a day off.

(Also, reading difficult shit on public transportation is not to be scoffed at. How do you think I read for my orals exams?)

the rebel lettriste said...

P.S. on mice:

those battery operated ones that electrocute the mice REALLY work, and you don't have to handle the fuckers.

and also, vermin are depressing. (I had to demand a new stove once because the original had become infested. THAT was a horrifying realization.)

e.p. said...

I'm feeling quite similarly and for similar but entirely different reasons. Right now I'm a combo of Shawn Colvin, "fill me up," and Nanci Griffith, feeling "like Garbo in this late night Grande Hotel." All I can say is that you matter to many, many people. Your work matters. And I think your eye of the tiger is in you somewhere, waiting to emerge.

Anna B said...

i say blame it on the vermin. i found centipedes in my bedroom and i've never felt so horrified and sad and betrayed in my life. took me a full day to want to speak again and i didn't sleep in there for a least a week. also, just looking at your spider makes me want to scream and jump around the room. that is NASTY! so so sorry :(

Renaissance Girl said...

Thanks, all. Sleep and overcoming my low-grade long-term cold and getting my kitchen back from shambles will be big helps.

Renaissance Girl said...

And DAMN RIGHT marriage was created for the spiders. I told Neruda about ten minutes after he proposed that spiders were his job, and that it was a dealbreaker.

Johnsons Part Deux said...

Ok - those spiders would depress me too! EW EW EW EW!!!!